For those of us with uncontrollable aggro monkey-tilt problems, we understand that when the bad beats come our computers are at serious risk of getting smashed, punched, thrown or crushed.
I’ve seen mice crushed, monitors thrown, cases kicked and keyboards smashed repeatedly. Not all of these as a result of poker (I used to play a lot of Counter-Strike back in the day), but poker has been known to deal out its fair share of computer carnage.
If your rage problems extend to the point of throwing notebooks in pools or snapping the screen from the body, then I probably can’t help you. But for the desktop users around the world who suffer from tilt-induced gorilla rage, this article is for you.
Best Mouse for Online Poker
My Pick – GrandTec Virtually Indestructible Mouse
Since your mouse is in your hand 90% of the time you’re playing poker, it’s almost guaranteed to be the first point of contact when things go bad.
The Light Tilter may just aggressively slide the mouse off the desk while the more emotional player may do a full-on mouse squeeze and slam. Regardless of how it happens, a mouse is by far the most commonly abused computer prehiprial in the world.
The most common mode of tilt-induced death for mice tends to come from three distinct motions:
- The hammer fist (Hulk Smash)
- The squeeze and slam
- The fastball
Regardless of how you’re destroying your mouse, GrandTec USA has you covered. Considering the actual name for the mouse is “The Virtually Indestructible Mouse,” it seems to be an obvious choice here. The mouse itself is made from silicone and can take a real beating.
Since the mouse still has buttons with springs and stuff, it can definitely still be killed. But I can almost guarantee it will hold up longer than your Logitech RX250.
p.s. GrandTec takes no responsibility for dents or holes in drywall created by the throwing of said mouse.
Best Poker Keyboard
My Pick – Keysonic ACK-109 EL
It’s right in front of you, your hands are already on it or next to it, and it’s right in the exact Hulk Smash danger zone - so naturally keyboards are the second-most abused computer prehiprial.
With this one available from Keysonic, it’s now possible to buy a fully flexible silicone keyboard. Although this keyboard isn’t completely indestructible, it’s pretty damn close.
Foldable and bendable with no plastic shell to crack, this keyboard is built to take a beating. Best of all, the entire keyboard is waterproof and washable so you can’t even ruin it by knocking over your drink in a fit of bad-beat induced rage.
On top of its nearly indestructible design, the keyboard itself sports driver-free install, an LED backlight for night-time grinding and it can be rolled up and stored in small spaces.
Best Poker Monitor
My Pick – ASUS LS221H
As all you tilt monkeys know, monitors are some of the most important and valuable pieces of your computer. Unfortunately, they’re also in perfect punching or grabbing range.
When it comes to being ridiculously solid, this ASUS monitor is in its own league. It rocks a protective glass surface rated at 9H hardness (equal to sapphire), making it virtually indestructible.
To put that into perspective, a regular LCD monitor uses glass rated at 2H hardness. To really put things into perspective, take a look at this video of a crazy Russian dude taking a hammer and crossbow to the monitor.
(Note: The monitor in the video is the LS201. Different model, but same glass surface)
If the monitor can withstand a hammer-wielding Russian, I’m pretty sure it can withstand your tilt-induced fury.
Also, I've never owned an ASUS monitor but apparently (from the slogan displayed on the screen in that picture) they're heart wearming. That has to be worth something.
Best Poker Computer Case
My Pick – NZXT Khaos
The final piece of your computer exposed to tilt-rage is the actual computer itself.
That’s where the NZXT Khaos comes in. On top of being a world-class, fully functional gaming case, the case itself is made from 2mm and 3mm thick welded aluminum.
This case is strong enough to be stood on and can even withstand being dropped from impressive heights. I’m sure most of you would never pick up and throw your actual computer, but for those whose computers are at risk, there’s the Khaos. If you want a mid-sized tower instead, NZXT also makes a similar, smaller tower called the Panzerbox.
If you do have to give your box a swift kick, aim for the edges as they’ll always have more strength than the middle. Just try not to break your foot in the process.
As a final note, I want to mention that I don’t support the smashing, punching, crushing, kicking or throwing of any computer or prehiprial. But if it has to happen (and sometimes it does), I just want to be sure that you keep the carnage to a minimum.
As usual, post your questions in the comments box.