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Why Puking in Her Suitcase is the Perfect Metaphor for Poker
Somebody has said that poker is the perfect metaphor for life.
I think it was Anthony Holden but I could be wrong.
Whoever said it was spot on, but it could actually be the other way around if you think about it.
Life is the perfect metaphor for poker.
A Man's Character Stripped Bare
Anthony Holden is the author of the best book written about poker, ever.
Big Deal from 1990 is a must read.
I have read it entirely three times, and the part about him playing the World Series 10 times, minimum.
It's a shame his name isn’t Holdem but he has still captured the essence of poker better than anyone with this wisdom:
“Whether he likes it or not, a man's character is stripped bare at the poker table; if the other players read him better than he does, he has only himself to blame.
"Unless he is both able and prepared to see himself as others do, flaws and all, he will be a loser in cards, as in life.”
I still, after all these years, get goosebumps when I read it.
He Expects to Lose
My friend plays poker for fun. He expects to lose because his goal is to have fun.
Last Friday morning I meet him with five women who had all slept over at his place the night before.
He has a big apartment so it wasn't any more kinky than that.
One of them was his ex. I was very pleased to meet her so I now finally have a face to the story about the time she insisted on oral pleasure from him.
She really egged him on and inspired him to work hard.
“Oh, yes, I'm so wet ... ah ah ... can you feel it?”
You've heard it before. Unless you're an online grinding nerd of course.
Afterwards in the bathroom he discovered that it was that time of the month, which she well knew.
He could hear her laughing out loud from the dark bedroom.
Protect Your Hand Until You Get the Pot
My friend took his five female friends to breakfast. He came back to me later that day and told me about the previous night.
He had charmed them all, made pasta carbonara and served them wine and stories till they all were tipsy and happy.
He told me that he had ended up in bed with the tall one. I was happy for him; he's not used to women under 50 and she looked like even under 30.
When you have a tipsy girl in your bed you must be an online poker nerd or something to mess it up. But then again you can never really count your chips until the river.
Actually, you're not safe even then. You need to protect your hand until you get the pot.
I've had dealers misread hands many times. I've had them try to push the chips to the loser.
We've all had them divide the pot incorrectly at every other opportunity. A few times I've even been awarded the pot even though I wasn't in the hand.
When the dealer looks extra confused and has forgotten where to push the chips I lean forward, smile, and open my arms as if to rake the pot.
To my own surprise it works at an alarming rate. I love it when the dealer starts pushing the pot to me.
If that's not being eligible for a big tip, I don't know what is. But it has never worked the whole way because every time time the winning player decides to be a party pooper.
He Barely Made It Over the Edge of the Bed
Women are a bit more irrational according to my empirical studies.
You can never count your eggs until the chicken is done, if you understand the expression I just made up.
But this time it was a done deal -- as done as a deal can be anyway.
My friend was naked. The woman, presumably under 30, was naked. It was getting hot and it was time for the final step.
But it was also time for something else; something more urgent. My friend had too much pasta carbonara and wine and it all wanted to go in reverse pretty instantly.
My friend headed to the bathroom but got stuck with his foot in a “blanket knot."
He told me the story like I was supposed to know what a “blanket knot” was. Like everybody knows that.
Do you know what a “blanket knot” is? I've never heard of that before.
Anyway, he didn't make it to the bathroom. In fact, he barely made it over the edge of the bed.
He puked straight into her open suitcase.
Improvise, Adapt and Overcome
Sometimes the turn changes everything.
Your position on the flop means nothing anymore. You need to improvise, adapt and overcome - like a U.S. Marine.
If not, you might not even see the river.
Afterwards the GTO is easy to calculate. He should have puked quietly, folded the suitcase and shoved it under the bed.
Then gone down on her (to hide his breath) with a furiously twisting tongue.
So close, but no cigar – sort of like Bill Clinton.
About Ken Lennaárd:
Sweden's most controversial poker blogger Ken Lennaárd has been around the professional poker circuit for almost 20 years. Among his numerous accomplishments are Swedish Championships both live and online, three WSOP final tables and over $1.5m in live earnings. He's now bringing his singular poker voice to the English world via PokerListings.com. Look for new posts every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Note: Opinions expressed in this blog are those of the author and do not represent the views of PokerListings.com.