Over the years I've heard fish say a lot of stupid things. Certain comments make me laugh out loud; others tilt the living crap out of me.

Some of this fish-speak is unique to the carp proclaiming it, while the rest is common enough to warrant a top 5.

If you've played a lot of poker, I'm sure you'll understand what I'm talking about. If you're still new to the game, don't worry; you'll empathize with me soon enough.

5) I knew you had [insert hand here].

No sir, you didn't know I had pocket aces. If you had known that, you would have folded your top pair on the flop.

Somehow these mouth breathers, unable to fold a clearly losing hand, justify their play by saying "I knew you had it." If they won the pot, they must be correct.

The other time you'll hear this is when a player's not even in the hand. Often it takes on the variation "He obviously had a flush" or "Of course he has you beat." Everyone's a damn genius once the cards are faceup.

If you're one of these fish, please understand that just because you thought of the word flush once in the hand, that doesn't mean you were sure they had it the whole time. Stop pretending you're Phil Ivey; you're not fooling anyone.

Tilt: 1

LOL: 0

4) I call you all-in.

This one baffles me every time I hear it. It's only ever said when the player is moving all-in him or herself. The other player has yet to act. These fish mean to say "I bet all-in" or something along those lines.

In order for you to "call," the other player has to bet first. You can't "call" someone else all-in. This expression just doesn't make sense; it cracks me up every time I hear it.

Chalk up one under LOL.

Tilt: 1

LOL: 1

3) You didn't bet enough for me to fold.

I can't tell you how many times I've seen a situation similar to this go down:

Player 1 raises preflop to $20. Fishcakes calls out of position.

Flop: A♥ T♥ 6♣

Player one bets almost the pot, $35; Fishcakes calls.

Turn: A♥ T♥ 6♣ [8♦]

Player one bets $60, Fishcakes calls.

River: A♥ T♥ 6♣ 8♦ [Q♦]

After some betting and raising, the two players get it all-in.

Player one turns over A♣ A♦ for top set; Fishcakes turns over K♠ J♥ for the straight.

After having called a raise preflop with K♠ J♥ and made an almost pot-sized call on the flop with a gut-shot plus a call getting 3-1 on the turn with the gut-shot, Fishcakes hits his straight and exclaims, "You didn't bet enough to make me fold."

This always cracks me up. Exactly how much would someone have to bet to make you fold your four-outer? But more importantly, why would the guy holding top set ever want a gut-shot to fold in the first place?

I love it when fish get lucky and tell the players they sucked out on that they were the ones making the mistakes. Poker's a funny game.

Tilt: 1

LOL: 2

2) It was suited.

Every time I lose to a random two pair from a hand like J-3, I kind of want to throw up in my mouth. More often than not the rationalization is "It was suited."

It's one thing to play a horrific hand into a raise, but it's another thing altogether to pretend it was a good play. Designer Glad bags dipped in designer perfume won't change the fact that what's inside is still garbage.

Please keep playing these hands against me; just don't pretend it's a smart play because it's suited. That tilts the hell out of me.

Tilt: 2

LOL: 2

1) Thank you.

Having a player say thank you after winning a pot off me makes me want to choke them. That's not a metaphor; I literally want to choke them. Saying thank you after winning a pot is best described as "twisting the knife."

Universal cure for tilt: Stacks of cash.

Hearing someone say thank you is even more upsetting if the player sucked out to get the pot in the first place.

What are you thanking me for? I didn't give you the horseshoe you have stuck up your ... sleeve.

An even more tilting variation of the thank you is the online "TY." The only thing more enraging than ego and smugness is anonymous ego and smugness.

Other than slow-rolling, I seriously don't think anything tilts me more than someone saying thank you.

Tilt: 3

LOL: 2

Tilt takes the win of 3 to 2, scientifically proving that on average fish are more tilt-inducing than humorous (you can't argue with science).

The No. 1 remedy for tilt is taking down large pots. So when fish tilt you, respond by felting them. Once you see them reach into their wallets, I promise you'll feel much better.

Great minds think alike, my friend over at The Grand Slam Poker Source wrote a similar blog, check his out for more donk-a-larity: Top Ten Things I Like Hearing From My Opponents

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• Top 5 Biggest Pots Between durrrr and Antonius
• My Top 5 Thoughts on the durrrr Challenge
• Top 5 Advancements in Poker
• Top 5 Unreasonable Poker Superstitions