The Poker Player Hierarchy

6 August 2009, Created By: Sean Lind
The Poker Player Hierarchy
Before one can understand the differences in poker players they must be classified into specific groups, or taxa.

As any responsible poker blogger would do, I've worked diligently to put together the official poker player taxonomic scheme.

Under the kingdom Riverrilla Bluff there are many different orders, genera and species. Here's the official poker player Hierarchy. Match up the definitions with the graphic representation to your right.

Kingdom Riverrilla Bluff

All humans who play poker in any capacity belong to this Kingdom.

Order Variantillia

Order Variantillia groups together all the poker players who, regardless of their dominant variation, are learned and skilled (at least somewhat) in multiple variations of poker, most commonly Omaha, O8 and Stud.

Order Holdemalia

All players exclusively interested in Texas Hold'em (or 100% of their poker knowledge is in this variation of the game) are classified under this order.

Greg Mueller
"More like Genius Professionalae ammirite?"

Genus Professionalae (Common name: Poker Professional)

Genus Professionalia groups together all poker players serious enough to be considered professional, in any sense of the word.

Genus Semiprolia (Common name: Poker Semi-Pro)

Genus Semiprolia takes ownership of all the Semi Professional poker players in the world.

Genus Enthusiastae (Common name: Poker Enthusiast)

Possibly the Genus with the most members, Enthusiastae belongs to all the poker enthusiasts of the world.

Genus Dabbilia (Common name: The dabbler)

The Dabbilia is the player who stumbles into a game every now and then, usually taking full advantage of the cocktail service.

Species Topprois (Common name: The top pros)

The top pros are the elite of the poker world. These are the players who are consistently showing up in the money of major events, and running up huge numbers in the cash games. The biggest names in poker, such as Phil Ivey, Daniel Negreanu and Doyle Brunson, all belong to this species of player.

Ilari Sahamies
Ziggy is king of Pronlinnae.

Species Pronlinnae (Common name: The Online Pro)

The online professional refers to the top players such as durrrr, urindanger and OMGClayAiken. These creatures have made most to all their money playing online poker.

Species Los del Rio (Common name: The One Hit Wonder)

There are a slew of well known poker "professionals" with only a single notable accomplishment to put on their resume. A couple big timers, with more money then I'll ever have, that belong to this Species include world champions Jamie Gold and Chris Moneymaker.

Grindillus Fulltimus (Common name: The Fulltime Grinder)

There are fulltime grinders filling the tables in most all of the online poker rooms. Many of these semi-pros grind through more hands in a session than even the most notable top online pros. Many of these players make a modest living off of their grind.

Partimmion (Common name: The part-time Grinder)

The part-time grinder punches in for his nine to five before logging in for his seven to eleven session. With the legit job the Partimmion doesn't need to win to live, sometimes giving them the stress-free edge they need to churn an impressive profit.

Jean-Robert Bellande
"But I was on Survivor!?"

Busto Constillum (Common name: Always Down to the Felt)

Every serious poker player knows a couple Busto Constillums. These players are always broke, always looking for a stake and a way back into the game. Even when they hit a big prize, they always find a way to donate it all back.

Producea (Common name: Producer or Donator)

Producers are the players who build the rolls of the sharks. These players are playing for a good time, and could care less about the amount of chips and money they give away in the process. These players, such as Andy Beal, usually come with more money than god, and are playing for reasons other than the money.

Weekendus (Common name: The Weekend Warrior)

The Weekendus is the weekend warrior. Usually thinks they're much stronger of a player than they are, and have a strong talent for convincing themselves they're a long-term winning player at the game.

Oncorhynchus mykiss (Common name: Fish)

What would we do without the fish? The players who really have no idea that bottom pair isn't a powerhouse hand are what make poker such a wonderful game.  Unfortunately, most fish have an annoying tendency to either go broke or evolve into a Weekendus.





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