As a certified bad beat counselor, ready and willing to guide my fellow poker players through the trying moments of a truly rancid beat, I'm disappointed: I only got two beats all week.

How is that possible? I mean, I can't be the only one who runs like crap. I'm struggling my way through a 15,000 hand downswong and I'm this close to breaking something. Possibly even one of my own body parts.

So please, show me I'm not alone. Let me see some ugly beats!!!

To this week's beats:

Dear Bad Beat Counselor,

"I just got knocked out in eighth place in a 100-man tournament with A-Q vs. K-Q. I profited $100. But jeez, I just needed to vent."

Signed,

Sour in Sacramento

Dear Sour in Sacramento,

This is the worst beat you have for me? I've played enough tournaments to know K-Q is practically a favorite over any hand! If I were you I would take the $100 you won and place it on one hand of blackjack. You are overdue baby!

It's free money anyway, since the poker gods waited till you were in the money before they rained fire and brimstone on you by way of the three-outer.

Dear Bad Beat Counselor,

"Here's my hand: AA gets all-in on ten-high board vs. dude with second pair and he hits trips. What have you got for me? PLEASE HELP I LOATHE POKER!!!!!"

No-Limit Hold'em Ring game

Blinds: $1/$2

Stack Sizes:

Hero: $262

BB: $196.10

Pre-flop: (four players) Hero is Button with A♣ A♥.

UTG folds, Hero raises to $8, SB folds, BB raises to $24, Hero calls.

Flop: 6♦ T♠ 8♦ ($49, two players)

BB bets $32, Hero raises to $80, BB raises all-in $172.1, Hero calls.

Turn: 8♥ (main pot: $393.20)

River: 5♥ (main pot: $393.20)

Results:

Final pot: $393.20

BB showed K♠ 8♠

Hero Mucks A♣ A♥

Signed,

Agitated in Albuquerque

Dear Agitated in Albuquerque,

First off, congrats. Thank you for sending me a real beat! Second off, wow that is a sick hand. First you set the tarp, then you tarped him.* Unfortunately for you, the powers that be decided it was not in your best interest to win this hand.

They apparently decided to invoke some long overdue karmic retribution for something you may have done many many years ago.

What? You don't remember? How about all those times you chased your poor dog around with a vacuum? You probably thought it was pretty funny at the time. Well, who's laughing now?

Life always evens out in the end and your pooch is probably laughing it up now while you punch a hole in your wall. Nothing gets past the poker gods. So be kind to everyone and your poker game will come around.

Also, next time don't be afraid to type NH into the chat window. It's amazing how much a little sarcasm can help ease the pain of a gnarly beat!

As always, ship your bad beats to badbeats@pokerlistings.com.

Until next week.

*Note: aforementioned new catch-phrases "tarp" and "tarped" © Dan Skolovy, 2008.